I like Twitter. When I’m sitting, and staring at my computer screen in a tizzy of which shameless self-promotion site to update, I find myself wanting to tweet. Unlike my Facebook account, not many people follow me there and so I feel more comfortable updating my status. In Tweetville, I also don’t have to explain my status, or comment on it, or comment on other statuses, or upload pictures, or try to remember who I’ve accepted as friends and how I could be offending them by my comments. I simply just write a sentence, usually something completely worthless, and wonder if any of the 34 people following me will read it and think it as silly as me. And then as a bonus, I get to stalk Augusten Burroughs.

Technically, I don’t think it can be called stalking because the author basically begged me to follow him. There, on his web site, within this crazy animation that must have taken some graphic designer days to complete, he pointed to me and said, “Follow me.” So I did. And I do, and I’ve noticed the author is a way better tweeter than me.

His updates go like this, “Somebody go tell Drew Barrymore that she would look good in this little bone dress,” followed by a link to its picture. Mine are like, “I’m pretty sure there are crime solving shows on at every hour of the night. I know this because I no longer need sleep.” While his tweets suggest that he is up to par with fashion and celebrities, mine admits I am stressed and have no life (or too big of a life depending on how you look at it). I also don’t upload links to Twitter, not yet. I don’t know how. I suppose when I learn this I might gain a follower or two, but I can only hope it’s not more than that. I don’t know that I can handle the pressure of an army of followers. Already my MySpace account is dying and I find myself slowly phasing out of Facebook as well. It’s just too much.

What I do like about Facebook, however, is the ability to create groups. I’ve invented a few, like the Project Vandalism charity event group that encouraged everyone to attend an 80′s party and walk around Lake Eola to raise money for a vehicle that was given to a new spinal cord injury person; the puzzle enthusiast club that mocked the frustration of losing puzzle pieces; and the www.waringis.com fan page, which I’m happy to report has recently soared in membership. But it’s the latest group I’ve created that I’m most excited about, and it stemmed from a simple tweet, from Augusten, regarding his next book tour.

The tweet, Tour dates & cities for YOU BETTER NOT CRY, was followed by a link. I eagerly clicked on it, of course, hoping his tour wasn’t limited to Australia, and to my surprise, there was one Florida date–in Miami.

Really? Miami? I thought. Didn’t Will Smith taint that place with his “Welcome to Miami” music video? Why would Augusten want to go there? That’s where all those hip-hop loving, salsa dancing, thong-wearing freaks live, all drenched in oil, and consequently also covered in sand. Yuck. Augusten needs a safer, more respectable place to visit. He needs to come to Orlando.

It’s wrong of me to judge. I’ll admit it. I mean, here we have the mouse. That fucking mouse has made it difficult for any good deed to be recognized in Orlando. So in all fairness, perhaps there are people in Miami that are intellectual and deserve the presence of my favorite New Yorker. But if this is the case, then we Orlandoans deserve the same opportunity. So that’s when I started taking action.

Augusten’s tour stops in Atlanta, Georgia, November 4th, and then sails to Miami November 6th. That leaves one day, and one stop in Orlando possible on November 5th. Immediately, I wrote Augusten and his publicist an e-mail to encourage such a visit. Then I insisted everyone I know to do the same. Surprisingly, many people did. I also created the Facebook group: Augusten Burroughs needs to come to Orlando November 5th, and here’s why: (which as of today has 81 members). I’ve e-mailed this link to the gentlemen. I’ve twittered @Augusten to come to Orlando. I’ve even convinced the Urban Think! bookstore manager, Jim, to send the boys a proposal. The results: Augusten direct messaged my friend Ashley on Twitter, saying he and his publicist were working on it.

True story.

Help make my fantasy a reality. E-mail stephen.lee@stmartins.com. CC Augusten at axburroughs@gmail.com. Tell them why we need a book signing in Orlando (in other words tell them you’d come and buy a book from them). Tweet @Augusten. Join my new favorite Facebook club by clicking here. It only takes a sentence.